Fireworks

If I have to picture a firework in my life, I would definitely say: you.

I was a playboy before I met you, have alwasy been. I fell in love too easily and too recklessly and I’ve always thought it was because I’m a passionate person. I was wrong. In facf, I never knew what passion is really like before you, I just thought I do. I’ve loved before. Hard. With you, it went straight to crash and burn.

I was a teenage boy, of course sex is the main thing in my head back then. I’ve also experimented a lot and I won’t try to deny it. But with you… With you.. it’s just different. It’s TNT and C4 combined. I was curious about sex before you, with you it’s plainly instinct. It was like I’m a male lion in mating season. I didn’t think at all, what I know was that I had to have you. So when you finally let me in, it was fuckin fireworks everywhere.

And it’s not just sex. It’s not just about my penis finding ways to your vagina. It’s about the urges. The urgency that I had to have you right there and there. I had to make you mine because I can’t bare myself not to. You’re like the the most powerful addiction I’ll ever had.

So I was stupid to let you go. I was young and stupid. I made series of bad decisions and I hurt you. I wish I didn’t. I wish I’d stayed even when you said you wanted me to leave. Even when you hated me with all your life, I should’ve stayed. With you. Beside you. I should’ve just stubbornly being there for you no matter how bitter it would be for me. Because you worth it. 

You’re my fireworks, the main chapter of my life I should’ve never ended. I’m sorry that I did.

#him

An. Image. A screenshot that is. That’s all I got as a reply. So.. should I read between the lines or those capital letters already answered it all?

Okay, I’ve made a mistake. Two mistakes. One, I slept with another girl. Two, I slept with that girl’s sister. At the same time. So it was kind of two mistakes at once you know. Should I count it as one? Damn, I got a boner just thinking about it.

But I mean, come on. It’s a fucking once in a lifetime experience right? It was for me at least. I didn’t say I didn’t regret it with all my heart that I hurt her but I can’t say I wish it never happened either because it would be a bunch of bullshits. To top it all, we were on a break. The break that she insisted. So it’s classic “we were on a break” thing.

So what now? Should I quit then? Quit bothering her and just move on? Or this is just another game of “catch me if you can”? Was that a “try harder” shout? Or an “I’m sorry, I’ve moved on long ago”? What woman? What??

Rrgh. I really don’t understand women.

Prologue

“Everyday. Everysinglefuckingday.”

That is the answer of ‘how often do you think of me these days’ question. There hasn’t been a day passed that the thought of you, how insignificant it might be, failed to cross my mind. There… now you know the truth, so what’s you’re going to do about it now?

Great. I’m doomed. Why was I ask the question again? Oh yes, of course, my cute little fingers just acted on their own will. They’ve decided to sent the biggest question of this century of my life out of my consent. It must be my subconscious, is it? I mean, two bottles of beer shouldn’t be that dangerous. Or so I thought. Or maybe I was already itching to ask it all this long and just finally had a reason to sent it: I was drunk. Well, for whatever reason, it’s out. The question came out and now I’ve got the answer. Now I got to answer back. That’s why I’m doomed. How am I supposed to answer that?

 

 

Sometimes in Between

How can you say you’re not happy with your life? How can you say you always feel something is missing and you live upon so many regrets?

With that happy faces of both of you all over the social media, with all the check ins at hip places, with all of those vacation to all those countries, how can you come to me and say you’re missing something? That must have been the biggest bullshit I’ve heard this year.

Okay, you’re not happy? Good for you then. Better luck next year. But hell, I don’t want to know about it. So pack your unhappy feeling, your something’s-missing-in-my-life, and get the hell out of my sight.

—–

Lelaki itu membaca surat itu berulang-ulang. Hatinya mencelos. Salah. Ia salah. Lagi-lagi ia salah. Serba salah. Apapun yg ia katakan pada perempuan itu pasti salah. Mungkin sudah saatnya ia menyerah. Tapi..

Tapi..

Kembali dihisapnya rokok yg masih menyala di sela-sela jemari tangan kanannya. Rokok itu tinggal setengah. Seperti hatiku, pikirnya dalam hati. Ia lalu tertawa sendiri. Segitu menyedihkan kah kisah cintanya? Bila iya pun itu adalah kesedihan yg dibuatnya sendiri. Nasi sudah menjadi bubur. Tak ada lg yg bisa ia perbuat, bukan? Bukan? Bukan?

Atau.. ada?

Ah sudahlah.

Lelaki itu melipat kembali surat yg entah sudah berapa puluh kali ia baca. Dimasukkannya ke lipatan sebelah kiri paling dalam di dompetnya. Di situ tempatnya. Selalu di situ. Tidak akah pernah hilang. Ah.. andai saja perempuan itu tau.

Rokoknya telah mati. Saatnya beranjak pergi. Renata… Sampai berjumpa lagi. Dalam anganku yg lain lagi. Ia lalu melangkahkan kaki, menuju rumah tempatnya kembali. Ke tempat perempuan yg ia sebut istri.

 

List, List, List

Since this month is the last month of this year, to celebrate it like everyone else I’ll start to make a list. A booklist. This year’s booklist and next year’s.

Last year I don’t really have any target or any particular titles to read for 2013, my target was only to read 12 English books (quite pessimistic, I know) and I’ve succeed. Yay! This is the list:

[X] White Cat by Holly Black
[X] Red Gloves by Holly Black
[X] Black Heart by Holly Black
[X] The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan
[X] Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles
[X] Destined by P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
[X] Hidden by P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
[X] Inferno by Dan Brown
[X] Anatomy of a Single Girl by Daria Snadowsky
[X] The Average American Marriage by Chad Kultgen
[X] The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
[X] City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
[X] City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare
[X] City of Glass by Cassandra Clare
[X] City of Fallen Angel by Cassandra Clare
[X] Bared to you by Silvia Day
[X] Reflected in You by Silvia Day

Yup, pretty much common books because to be honest I don’t really enjoy non-fiction or any heavy reading. That’s why for 2014, I’ll challenge myself to read a little out of my comfort zone. I got the list from Goodreads Best Books of 2013. There are total 20 books, but since I’ve already read Inferno so I made a little change to it and replace Inferno with The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith.

This is the list: http://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-books-2013

So, will I cross every title for this list? Let’s see next year 😉

Yes. The Cover Does Matter.

Just read my sophisticated (in a very good way) cousin’s blog and just realized that she is a book blogger (is that how you say it?). I know she has this envious passion with reading since I already follow her twitter for some time, but I didn’t know how book freak (once again, in a very good way) she was. That sure explain all the book reviews she’s been posting all along.

Being a book freak she is, she has several books-to-read list -including those followed by book challenge- for a year alone. And swear to god, I want to hide my books-read-this-year list after seeing her number :’)

So, after feeling pity for myself and my book list, I tried to reassess the way I build my reading list so far. Usually I went to my favorite bookstore Periplus every now and then, and made a note of books that got me interested. I got home and I searched the ebook in the internet, both free and paid (yes, I often read books for free, sue me!). I put it on my reading devices (my phone and Nook) and when I felt I need a new reading, I opened my phone -or Nook- and picked a random book. I usually picked it by the author or if I was bored, by the cover. So yes. Guilty as I am, I’m one of those people who still ‘judgje’ a book by it’s cover.

This is how I choose my book:

1. Personal experiences/known author

2. Friends/family/favorite writers suggestion

3. Best sellers or award winning

4. Interesting book cover

See? Yes, the cover is not the first on my list -hopefully not the first either of anyone’s list- but it’s there, haunting at the number four. I dare to bet that it will also be somewhere in a reader’s -avid or not- list. Therefore, saying don’t judge a book by it’s cover is exactly the same as saying don’t judge someone by their looks. Almost impossible. It may not be the number one thought, but it will still be there. No matter how you sugarcoated it.

Tentang Tidur Melintang

Setelah hampir 8 bulan bareng-bareng, partner hidup saya punya kebiasaan baru: tidur melintang. Rasanya pengen saya timpuk pake bantal dan teriak “yang hamil kan gue nyong, kenapa yg motah situ!” Tapi karena saya istri yg baik, jadi saya dengan manisnya mengikuti polah tidurnya. Dia tidur melintang, saya ikutan tidur melintang. Dia tidur dengan posisi terbalik (kepala di kaki) saya ikutan. Dia tidur dengan posisi diagonal? Saya tindih aja kakinya. Ha!

Serius deh, hal-hal kaya gini tuh ya yg bikin pengen ketawa kalo diinget-inget. Dan entah kenapa kebiasaan ini tiba-tiba aja muncul di usia kehamilan saya yg nyentuh enam bulan. Bawaan bayi kali ya. Ah, tapi kan yg hamil saya, kenapa yg aneh-aneh justru dia :))))