I haven’t been a good person lately and I regret it…

Hari ini saya kecolongan. Salah seorang orang tua murid saya menghubungi saya dan bilang kalau anaknya pulang ke rumah menangis sambil meraung. Dia cerita dia pengen berhenti sekolah. Saya wali kelasnya. Saya orang yg terakhir dipamiti saat dia mau pulang dari sekolah. Ga ada 1% pun pikiran saya kalo akan ada kejadian dia menangis, meraung, bilang ingin berhenti sekolah.

Saya benar-benar merasa kecolongan. Saya merasa bodoh dan tidak sensitif. Saya merasa menyepelekan keadaan yg ternyata tidak sepele.

“I should’ve known better”

“I should’ve asked her more”

“I should’ve talked to her more”

“I should’ve help her more”

“I should’ve done something before any of this happened”

I feel so shitty right now and it’s all my fault.

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I miss..

I miss you.

I miss the idea of you.

I miss the idea of me loving you.

I miss the idea of love.

I miss the idea of feeling something.

I miss the idea of having a good long talk where two people can just talk about everything from night until morning.

I miss the idea of hug.

I miss the idea of being a couple of teenager having a peck in the mouth just because.

I miss the idea of having fun together.

I miss.. a lot of things.

Fireworks

If I have to picture a firework in my life, I would definitely say: you.

I was a playboy before I met you, have alwasy been. I fell in love too easily and too recklessly and I’ve always thought it was because I’m a passionate person. I was wrong. In facf, I never knew what passion is really like before you, I just thought I do. I’ve loved before. Hard. With you, it went straight to crash and burn.

I was a teenage boy, of course sex is the main thing in my head back then. I’ve also experimented a lot and I won’t try to deny it. But with you… With you.. it’s just different. It’s TNT and C4 combined. I was curious about sex before you, with you it’s plainly instinct. It was like I’m a male lion in mating season. I didn’t think at all, what I know was that I had to have you. So when you finally let me in, it was fuckin fireworks everywhere.

And it’s not just sex. It’s not just about my penis finding ways to your vagina. It’s about the urges. The urgency that I had to have you right there and there. I had to make you mine because I can’t bare myself not to. You’re like the the most powerful addiction I’ll ever had.

So I was stupid to let you go. I was young and stupid. I made series of bad decisions and I hurt you. I wish I didn’t. I wish I’d stayed even when you said you wanted me to leave. Even when you hated me with all your life, I should’ve stayed. With you. Beside you. I should’ve just stubbornly being there for you no matter how bitter it would be for me. Because you worth it. 

You’re my fireworks, the main chapter of my life I should’ve never ended. I’m sorry that I did.

#him

An. Image. A screenshot that is. That’s all I got as a reply. So.. should I read between the lines or those capital letters already answered it all?

Okay, I’ve made a mistake. Two mistakes. One, I slept with another girl. Two, I slept with that girl’s sister. At the same time. So it was kind of two mistakes at once you know. Should I count it as one? Damn, I got a boner just thinking about it.

But I mean, come on. It’s a fucking once in a lifetime experience right? It was for me at least. I didn’t say I didn’t regret it with all my heart that I hurt her but I can’t say I wish it never happened either because it would be a bunch of bullshits. To top it all, we were on a break. The break that she insisted. So it’s classic “we were on a break” thing.

So what now? Should I quit then? Quit bothering her and just move on? Or this is just another game of “catch me if you can”? Was that a “try harder” shout? Or an “I’m sorry, I’ve moved on long ago”? What woman? What??

Rrgh. I really don’t understand women.

Prologue

“Everyday. Everysinglefuckingday.”

That is the answer of ‘how often do you think of me these days’ question. There hasn’t been a day passed that the thought of you, how insignificant it might be, failed to cross my mind. There… now you know the truth, so what’s you’re going to do about it now?

Great. I’m doomed. Why was I ask the question again? Oh yes, of course, my cute little fingers just acted on their own will. They’ve decided to sent the biggest question of this century of my life out of my consent. It must be my subconscious, is it? I mean, two bottles of beer shouldn’t be that dangerous. Or so I thought. Or maybe I was already itching to ask it all this long and just finally had a reason to sent it: I was drunk. Well, for whatever reason, it’s out. The question came out and now I’ve got the answer. Now I got to answer back. That’s why I’m doomed. How am I supposed to answer that?

 

 

Sometimes in Between

How can you say you’re not happy with your life? How can you say you always feel something is missing and you live upon so many regrets?

With that happy faces of both of you all over the social media, with all the check ins at hip places, with all of those vacation to all those countries, how can you come to me and say you’re missing something? That must have been the biggest bullshit I’ve heard this year.

Okay, you’re not happy? Good for you then. Better luck next year. But hell, I don’t want to know about it. So pack your unhappy feeling, your something’s-missing-in-my-life, and get the hell out of my sight.

—–

Lelaki itu membaca surat itu berulang-ulang. Hatinya mencelos. Salah. Ia salah. Lagi-lagi ia salah. Serba salah. Apapun yg ia katakan pada perempuan itu pasti salah. Mungkin sudah saatnya ia menyerah. Tapi..

Tapi..

Kembali dihisapnya rokok yg masih menyala di sela-sela jemari tangan kanannya. Rokok itu tinggal setengah. Seperti hatiku, pikirnya dalam hati. Ia lalu tertawa sendiri. Segitu menyedihkan kah kisah cintanya? Bila iya pun itu adalah kesedihan yg dibuatnya sendiri. Nasi sudah menjadi bubur. Tak ada lg yg bisa ia perbuat, bukan? Bukan? Bukan?

Atau.. ada?

Ah sudahlah.

Lelaki itu melipat kembali surat yg entah sudah berapa puluh kali ia baca. Dimasukkannya ke lipatan sebelah kiri paling dalam di dompetnya. Di situ tempatnya. Selalu di situ. Tidak akah pernah hilang. Ah.. andai saja perempuan itu tau.

Rokoknya telah mati. Saatnya beranjak pergi. Renata… Sampai berjumpa lagi. Dalam anganku yg lain lagi. Ia lalu melangkahkan kaki, menuju rumah tempatnya kembali.┬áKe tempat perempuan yg ia sebut istri.