On Cheating (and several other things)

I’m 8 years married and somehow I feel like I should get a badge for it. You know, the badge you have each year you’re sober from something? Yeah, that kind of badge. Only this one is for cheating. I’m a former serial cheater who in this eight long years have heard about cheating left and right and repeatedly got in those situation when I could easily just cheat and no one will know but I still chose to not do that. Fuck it you bare minimum, I AM proud about myself.

My husband once told me that he never think about cheating on me. I’m flattered of course, but that’s not me. At all. I constantly think about cheating, whether it was with someone in mind or just simply the act of it. So I start to think about what it is about cheating that really intrigues me. I come up with several answers.

Cheating gave me thrill. I was very good at lying so I knew I could got away with it but still the thought of doing something secretly got me very excited.

I can be whatever version of me that I want. It’s cheating, I don’t really have to compromise things for the sake of my goals because one have no goals in cheating. I also have nothing to lose (aside from my heart) if the relationship ended. It’s simply liberating.

When I was with the person I cheated, I can put a stop to everything. Because that’s the only way to do it, we push the pause button of our life and left everything behind for a couple of hours.

Cheating was never boring because when it is, you just call it quit.

So why am I still ‘sober’? I wonder.

I guess it’s the after taste. The guilty feeling. The hating yourself when cheating got out of your control. It’s the worst feeling when you know you’ve hurt someone you love, someone that has been treating you so good, someone you actually don’t want to lose. I love the high but not so much that I’ll accept the fall. I think that’s what keeping me, the thought of what I’ll put my partner (and me) through when I got caught. Yes, it’s when. It’s never if in my mind. So, no.

I still think I deserve a badge, tho.

2021

10 years.

I’ve finally made peace with the fact that the you I know is no longer exist.

Sometimes Long After That

Ia menatap mata lelaki itu lekat-lekat. Wajahnya hanya berjarak kurang dari sejengkal. Sebuah tangan kokoh yang sekarang ini menempel di sikunya terasa panas. Kulitnya seperti terbakar api yang tidak kelihatan, tak peduli berapa helai kain yang membatasi tangan itu dan kulitnya. Panas. Mendadak udara terasa panas dan sesak. Nalarnya bolak-balik berteriak menyuruhnya pergi. “Ini bukan situasi yang siap kamu hadapi, Renata. Apapun akhirnya, kamu tahu kamu akan hancur sejadi-jadinya,” ratapnya dalam hati.

“Boleh?” tanya lelaki itu ragu. Tangan kiri yang sedari tadi masih diam, perlahan bergerak ke arah wajahnya. Hati-hati. Lelaki itu melakukan semua gerakannya dengan sangat hati-hati. Seakan Renata adalah kristal yang sewaktu-waktu akan pecah jika ia gegabah. Kristal? Mungkin bom waktu lebih tepat, pikir Renata.

Badannya tersentak saat telapak lelaki itu dan kulitnya bertemu di pipinya. Ini pasti listrik statis, pasti. Tuhan, tolong bilang ini cuma persoalan reaksi tubuh atas hawa dingin dan bukan cerminan dari perasaannya atas lelaki itu. Dia bukan gadis 15 tahun yang akan menggeliat kesetanan karena bercumbu dengan Tama, si bintang basket SMA Perdana pujaan para wanita. Dia bukan lagi gadis itu, dan lelaki di depannya ini juga sudah bukan lelaki gugup yang setengah mati mencintainya. Mereka punya kehidupan masing-masing. Ini tidak seharusnya terjadi. Tapi.. kenapa waktu terasa berhenti?

Dadanya tiba-tiba sesak. Ini tidak adil. Waktu memang tak pernah adil untuknya dan cinta memang lebih layak jadi musuhnya.

“Renata..”

“Sembilan..” mereka berbicara bersamaan setelah hening entah berapa lama.

“Oh. Mmh.. Sorry, kamu duluan,” kata lelaki itu pelan.

Renata ragu, ia tidak yakin dengan mulutnya sendiri.

“Sembilan tahun. Sembilan tahun semenjak terakhir saya bilang putus sama kamu. Marah, nangis, sakit, benci, maaf, lupa, jatuh lagi, marah lagi, sakit lagi, lalu lupa lagi, sampai akhirnya kamu berhasil jadi ornamen tak bergerak yang bisa saya taro di pojokan otak saya. Sembilan tahun kamu bukan siapa-siapa saya.”

Badan lelaki itu mendadak tegang seakan baru saja diguyur air es seember besar.

“Sembilan tahun, Tam. Lalu kamu cuma butuh satu hari untuk membolak-balikkan dunia saya dan ngelempar saya ke mesin waktu. Kamu tau kan ini ga adil?” Matanya mulai berkaca-kaca. Ini, perasaan ini, degupan jantungnya, aliran listrik di tubuhnya, desahan napasnya, semua seakan selalu siap menyambut sentuhan dari lelaki ini kapan saja. Ini tidak adil, Tuhan.

Lelaki itu diam. Tangannya masih menyentuh pipi mungil yang dia tahu persis semua lekuknya. Tangannya menetap di sana seakan ia telah menemukan tempat terbaik dan tak mau beranjak lagi. “Ga ada.”

“Maksud kamu, Tam?”

“Sembilan tahun itu ga ada buat saya. Saya masih liat kamu tiap hari. Masih dibawelin kamu tiap saya mulai macem-macem. Masih disemangatin kamu tiap saya jatoh. Sembilan tahun itu ga ada.”

“But.. that’s..”

“I’ll go. You don’t know how hard it is for me to let go of this face I’m holding on, but if you want me to.. I’ll walk away,” mata lelaki itu menatap Renata lekat-lekat. Ia serius. Sudah lama ia tidak pernah seserius ini, bahkan tidak saat ia harus memutuskan nasib bisnis keluarganya tiga hari lalu.

“I don’t want to, Ta. I want this. I never felt this right, not in a long time. I want to hold on to this. Forever.”

Renata lupa caranya bernapas. Paru-parunya sepertinya tidak ingat kalau ia masih menjadi organ tubuh penting untuk manusia. Tanpa sadar, ia menggigit bibirnya. Sakit, tapi tidak sebanding dengan yang ia rasa di dadanya. Tak lama ada rasa asin bercampu besi terasa di lidahnya. Hidungnya mencium sayup-sayup bau amis.

Mata lelaki itu perih. Ia tahu apa artinya. Tangannya bergerak ke arah bibir yg sekarang pelan-pelan terisi cairan kemerahan. Ia tidak pernah suka lihat perempuan di depannya ini sakit. “Ta, stop. I hate to see you hurt. Saya pergi, tapi berhenti gigit bibirnya. Kamu bener, ini terlalu ga adil buat kamu.. What am I thinking?” dadanya terasa ditusuk saat ia dengan berat hati memaksa tangannya beranjak dari wajah perempuan itu.

Renata menutup matanya. Ia tahu ia harus menjawab lelaki itu pada akhirnya. Ia juga tahu kalimat apa yang seharusnya keluar setelah ini.

Lima menit..

Sepuluh menit..

Renata masih memejamkan matanya. Bulu matanya mulai basah, tak kuasa menahan air yang berontak keluar dari balik kelopaknya tak peduli seberapa kuat ia berusaha menahannya.

Dua puluh menit..

“Ta…?” Suara lelaki itu terdengar sangat lembut, nyaris memohon.

Renata menguatkan hatinya. Ia tahu, ia tidak mungkin kabur selamanya. Matanya terbuka. I

“Iya. Ini ga adil. Ga pernah adil,” tangannya menarik baju lelaki itu. Seketika bibir mereka bertemu dan aliran listrik menghantar ke sekujur tubuhnya. Aliran itu bergerak cepat, panas, sesak, lalu meledak di dalam dua tubuh manusia yang menggeliat tanpa ampun.

When Cupid Is a Prying Journalist

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You said that the only reason Emma left her partner and rushed back to the zoo to meet Josh was because the now Josh is a successful-featured-in-magazine kind of man. I didn’t have a chance to say anything back but actually I think that’s not the case at all.

The reason why Emma (the cheater) restrained herself that long to not chase Josh (the cheated) was because the guilt. She didn’t think she’s even worthy of his acceptance. That’s why she ran to the zoo at that exact moment. Because Josh finally finally said that he wanted her back.

That makes me wonder, if there was a moment I said that I wanted you back, would you leave everything and come run to me?

I never got to ask you that.

I’m so good at directing I direct all the possible sex scenes in my dream.

Once upon a time when I just need to get it out of my chest

I remember the first time you texted me. Out of nowhere. From your brother’s cell phone since you didn’t have one yet. I didn’t even know you had my number. I missed you fuckin badly that time but I just don’t know how to reach you because we weren’t even friends back then. I was driving with my ex and when the text came I told him to read it aloud. I didn’t remember what it said, I just remember it was short. You never said your name but you knew I’d knew right away who was it from. I did. I was so shocked that I hit a Bajaj in front of me. My ex had a sour look after that. It was really funny when I think about it now.

You told me sometimes later that you had to text two wrong numbers before you finally got the right one since you’re too proud to ask for mine and chose to secretly looking it up from our friend’s phone.

I think that story alone deserves a scene in a romcom movie. I’m smiling here while I write it out.

I was the one who called you first. You were not at home and I just left a message to your mom that I called. You texted me sometimes after that. With your own number. Apparently you were going somewhere to search for a new phone when I called. You said later that you practically begged your mom to buy you a phone and I was the one who made you want to have one. It was so sweet. That’s when I knew you liked me as much as I did.

I bet you didn’t know back then I used to wait for hours just to watch you going home from Warung Iko. Just to see a glimpse of you, sometimes with your then gf, coming in to your red car (I hope you’re well, Melu!). I like how you held your girl. It’s like you’re saying, “You are mine so just let me take care of you.” I think that’s even what triggered me to like you in the first place. I saw you coming out from your car with your girl and you hold her hand before walking away. In Dago Tea House, in the middle of a mild rain. Just like that, I was smitten by you. That’s how fucked I was. Hahahahaha..

Do you remember the first time we met after we officially dated? I do. You came to my house right away after I arrived in Bandung. We already texted back and forth for quite a while but that was the first time we met again. I offered to give you direction to my house but you said you already knew where it was. You did.

God, my chest is heavy just remembering this.

You were awkward and I tried to make conversation here and there. By the time you’re sure no one else there, you kissed me. A bit shocking actually, because I was in the middle of talking. You grab my face and kissed me just like that. Back then I thought, “Wow. Horny much?” But then I understand that you just really missed me (and also horny cause duh, teenage boy hormones). The undeniable feeling when we kissed earlier on school camp, that feeling of wings fluttering in your gut, it was so much that you need to feel it again right away. I thought I was the only one who felt it.

I remember our first official date. We met at school before going to a movie. Why did we meet at school again? I can’t seem to remember that part. I remember you said something about us being a secret and I was a little hurt because hell, are you really that ashamed of me? I tried not to think about it though. Back to our first date, you’ve had it all planned out but your car ran out of gasoline before we even reach the theater. You were so upset you almost cried. Yes, you did so don’t argue. I had to console you and said that it was okay. I told you that we didn’t have to watch the movie, we could just walk to the nearest gas station, I love walking anyway. You were still upset all the way but we were walking and you were holding my hand and I remember I was really happy. I think you loved me more after that.

Maybe that was what started our walking routines. You used to hate walking so much but you did it anyway for me. Walking was our thing. I have always loved walking with you because we would talk endlessly and you’d hold my hand all the way. Have I ever told you I really love how you held my hand? I guess I just did.

Ugh. This feels so much like a love letter. It’s not. I’m just trying to write everything so that I don’t forget that once upon a time, I have someone who love me so much, someone who I also love so much that we didn’t even hesitate to dive head first to love.

Do you remember the first time you held my hand? I think it was inside the truck on the way back to Bandung from our camp trip. I sat in front because I wished you’d sit with me. I waited for you and you did exactly what I wanted to you to. You made excuse to your friends on how the back of the truck was full and went over to sit with me. You held my hand. All the way to Bandung. The feeling was ecstatic.

I loved the way we hug. Like it was our last chance to hug. Every. Single. Time. Hugging was also our thing, right? Well, back then lots of lots of things were our thing. I know.

I remember many things. Like how you took me back to my house when I was having a fever in the middle of a lesson and that was the first time you officially admit we were in relationship to the rest of the school. I was almost sure that you wouldn’t do a thing back then because you were too proud to admit we actually had a thing going on to your loud-mouthed gang of friends. But you did. You chose me over your ego. I knew you were really worried about me and that’s just how you were. Like you’d move a mountain just to take care of what’s yours.

I remember how you invented our goodbye kisses and how it was our way to say that despite everything, we were okay. Like we could have a big fight but when we parted and me or you asked for the kiss, it’d mean that we’re good.

I loved the way that we never left things unsaid. Like no matter how much we fight we’d always came back to each other to make up. I remember one night I came to your house (?) riding a bike in the middle of the night just to make up after a fight. You were so annoyed by that but you couldn’t stay mad and let me went back myself because you’re worried. Hahahahaha. I used to annoy you so much back then. Well to be fair you did too.

Our story was cute enough to make it to a big romcom movie don’t you think? Not one that has a dream-like ending like Definitely, Maybe of course, but maybe more of the romantic-realistic one like La La Land (Ha!).

It’s funny though how fate turned out. I don’t even have one picture or memorabilia that can link me back to you. I gave it all to you -the notes the cards, the ring, everything- in one of our big fight, remember? How I lost my phone, the one you bought me not long after we broke up. How you fucked up so bad that I need to erase all of our mails without a trace. How one of my HDD partition just got virus in it and erasing all my old pictures along with it (including the one with you in it, the one I still kept because I just didn’t have a heart to part with it yet) sometimes after I decided to get married with the wonderful person who is now my husband. It’s like universe is telling me to move forward and that my head was enough to keep all the wonderful memories.

Well, to be honest, until several days ago I almost forgot all about it. I almost forgot how it feels to be loved and be in love that way.

I love my husband, Gun. He is my most important person and he’s my world. I don’t think I can say it enough. Marriage is… well you know what it is. I don’t think I would ever want to be in one if it wasn’t with him. If it wasn’t for him. He’s the only person I’m willing to jump this train with.

But you, you were something else.

You are my first real love. No one could ever break my heart like you do. Because when you broke it, my heart was everything it could ever be. And despite what you believe, you were my first just like I was yours. I have a scientific argument for that now but let’s just take my word for it, okay. I maybe a bitch back then but you need to know that whatever you felt then, that much was what I felt for you too. I guess you now know firsthand that you can love someone very much while still hurting them by being a jerk. I’m sorry to ever took you for granted. (Please say that you’re sorry too for ever took me one. I don’t want to feel I’m being the only bitch here because you did so so much worse :P).

I wish you a great successful wonderful and full of love kind of life. I wish you could make peace with your unfulfilled desires and just be content (and happy) in whatever state you’re in.

We may have parted ways. We may have been nothing more than a stranger who write to each other about random things once in a while now. Our feelings may have change to something else entirely now but there will always be a part of me that belongs to that time of my life. One of my precious chapter in my whole life.

The story of my first love.
The story of you.

Unfinished Bussiness

For me, this year went so fast it didn’t feel like I’m living it to the fullest. I mean, I know my reading list hasn’t really improved much for the past years but particularly this year the number went down to almost none.

I’ve tried finishing a couple of books but it just so hard to commit. Therefore, my next year resolution is to finish that unfinished bussiness.

And because my busy brain need every task to be jolt down, here comes the list:

1. Origin – Dan Brown

2. The Hate U Give – Angie Thomas

3. An American Marriage – Tayari Jones

4. China Rich Girlfriend – Kevin Kwan

5. Aruna dan Lidahnya – Laksmi Pamuntjak

6. Filosofi Teras – Henry Manampiring

I think there’s still several books I didn’t finish but this 6 is enough for now.

I’ll be back to this post again next year to see how far I can commit myself to it. Hopefully pretty far 😛

On moving

There are times when I thought that my feelings for you is one of the very view things in life that will stay the same.

I guess I was wrong.

I’ve known for a while now that I no longer have feelings for the present-you. Still I thought that the me who loves the past-you, that aching heart, will still be there in the corner of my heart and mind.

But then..

I’ve stopped talking to you in my head.

I’ve stopped thinking of you everytime something from the past popped out.

I don’t even feel the hurt.

It just.. stopped.

You’re finally finally out of my life and changing into a part of a chapter rather than an actual present and I don’t feel sad about it. Surprisingly.

#depression

Connecting with the real world -as in real people I know- sometimes feels so hard.

It makes everything real.

Like bursting out of my little bubble of happiness and problem-free world.

Is this how it feels for other people as well?

#2018goal

If to be alive is to choose, then I choose to love above anything else.

If I have only months left for me, I choose to love.

Yes, I want to be loved but more than that, I want to love. I want to be able to spread love. I want to love.

So that’s what I’m going to aim for.