An. Image. A screenshot that is. That’s all I got as a reply. So.. should I read between the lines or those capital letters already answered it all?

Okay, I’ve made a mistake. Two mistakes. One, I slept with another girl. Two, I slept with that girl’s sister. At the same time. So it was kind of two mistakes at once you know. Should I count it as one? Damn, I got a boner just thinking about it.

But I mean, come on. It’s a fucking once in a lifetime experience right? It was for me at least. I didn’t say I didn’t regret it with all my heart that I hurt her but I can’t say I wish it never happened either because it would be a bunch of bullshits. To top it all, we were on a break. The break that she insisted. So it’s classic “we were on a break” thing.

So what now? Should I quit then? Quit bothering her and just move on? Or this is just another game of “catch me if you can”? Was that a “try harder” shout? Or an “I’m sorry, I’ve moved on long ago”? What woman? What??

Rrgh. I really don’t understand women.



“Everyday. Everysinglefuckingday.”

That is the answer of ‘how often do you think of me these days’ question. There hasn’t been a day passed that the thought of you, how insignificant it might be, failed to cross my mind. There… now you know the truth, so what’s you’re going to do about it now?

Great. I’m doomed. Why was I ask the question again? Oh yes, of course, my cute little fingers just acted on their own will. They’ve decided to sent the biggest question of this century of my life out of my consent. It must be my subconscious, is it? I mean, two bottles of beer shouldn’t be that dangerous. Or so I thought. Or maybe I was already itching to ask it all this long and just finally had a reason to sent it: I was drunk. Well, for whatever reason, it’s out. The question came out and now I’ve got the answer. Now I got to answer back. That’s why I’m doomed. How am I supposed to answer that?



Sometimes in Between

How can you say you’re not happy with your life? How can you say you always feel something is missing and you live upon so many regrets?

With that happy faces of both of you all over the social media, with all the check ins at hip places, with all of those vacation to all those countries, how can you come to me and say you’re missing something? That must have been the biggest bullshit I’ve heard this year.

Okay, you’re not happy? Good for you then. Better luck next year. But hell, I don’t want to know about it. So pack your unhappy feeling, your something’s-missing-in-my-life, and get the hell out of my sight.


Lelaki itu membaca surat itu berulang-ulang. Hatinya mencelos. Salah. Ia salah. Lagi-lagi ia salah. Serba salah. Apapun yg ia katakan pada perempuan itu pasti salah. Mungkin sudah saatnya ia menyerah. Tapi..


Kembali dihisapnya rokok yg masih menyala di sela-sela jemari tangan kanannya. Rokok itu tinggal setengah. Seperti hatiku, pikirnya dalam hati. Ia lalu tertawa sendiri. Segitu menyedihkan kah kisah cintanya? Bila iya pun itu adalah kesedihan yg dibuatnya sendiri. Nasi sudah menjadi bubur. Tak ada lg yg bisa ia perbuat, bukan? Bukan? Bukan?

Atau.. ada?

Ah sudahlah.

Lelaki itu melipat kembali surat yg entah sudah berapa puluh kali ia baca. Dimasukkannya ke lipatan sebelah kiri paling dalam di dompetnya. Di situ tempatnya. Selalu di situ. Tidak akah pernah hilang. Ah.. andai saja perempuan itu tau.

Rokoknya telah mati. Saatnya beranjak pergi. Renata… Sampai berjumpa lagi. Dalam anganku yg lain lagi. Ia lalu melangkahkan kaki, menuju rumah tempatnya kembali. Ke tempat perempuan yg ia sebut istri.


List, List, List

Since this month is the last month of this year, to celebrate it like everyone else I’ll start to make a list. A booklist. This year’s booklist and next year’s.

Last year I don’t really have any target or any particular titles to read for 2013, my target was only to read 12 English books (quite pessimistic, I know) and I’ve succeed. Yay! This is the list:

[X] White Cat by Holly Black
[X] Red Gloves by Holly Black
[X] Black Heart by Holly Black
[X] The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan
[X] Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles
[X] Destined by P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
[X] Hidden by P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
[X] Inferno by Dan Brown
[X] Anatomy of a Single Girl by Daria Snadowsky
[X] The Average American Marriage by Chad Kultgen
[X] The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
[X] City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
[X] City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare
[X] City of Glass by Cassandra Clare
[X] City of Fallen Angel by Cassandra Clare
[X] Bared to you by Silvia Day
[X] Reflected in You by Silvia Day

Yup, pretty much common books because to be honest I don’t really enjoy non-fiction or any heavy reading. That’s why for 2014, I’ll challenge myself to read a little out of my comfort zone. I got the list from Goodreads Best Books of 2013. There are total 20 books, but since I’ve already read Inferno so I made a little change to it and replace Inferno with The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith.

This is the list: http://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-books-2013

So, will I cross every title for this list? Let’s see next year 😉

Yes. The Cover Does Matter.

Just read my sophisticated (in a very good way) cousin’s blog and just realized that she is a book blogger (is that how you say it?). I know she has this envious passion with reading since I already follow her twitter for some time, but I didn’t know how book freak (once again, in a very good way) she was. That sure explain all the book reviews she’s been posting all along.

Being a book freak she is, she has several books-to-read list -including those followed by book challenge- for a year alone. And swear to god, I want to hide my books-read-this-year list after seeing her number :’)

So, after feeling pity for myself and my book list, I tried to reassess the way I build my reading list so far. Usually I went to my favorite bookstore Periplus every now and then, and made a note of books that got me interested. I got home and I searched the ebook in the internet, both free and paid (yes, I often read books for free, sue me!). I put it on my reading devices (my phone and Nook) and when I felt I need a new reading, I opened my phone -or Nook- and picked a random book. I usually picked it by the author or if I was bored, by the cover. So yes. Guilty as I am, I’m one of those people who still ‘judgje’ a book by it’s cover.

This is how I choose my book:

1. Personal experiences/known author

2. Friends/family/favorite writers suggestion

3. Best sellers or award winning

4. Interesting book cover

See? Yes, the cover is not the first on my list -hopefully not the first either of anyone’s list- but it’s there, haunting at the number four. I dare to bet that it will also be somewhere in a reader’s -avid or not- list. Therefore, saying don’t judge a book by it’s cover is exactly the same as saying don’t judge someone by their looks. Almost impossible. It may not be the number one thought, but it will still be there. No matter how you sugarcoated it.

Tentang Tidur Melintang

Setelah hampir 8 bulan bareng-bareng, partner hidup saya punya kebiasaan baru: tidur melintang. Rasanya pengen saya timpuk pake bantal dan teriak “yang hamil kan gue nyong, kenapa yg motah situ!” Tapi karena saya istri yg baik, jadi saya dengan manisnya mengikuti polah tidurnya. Dia tidur melintang, saya ikutan tidur melintang. Dia tidur dengan posisi terbalik (kepala di kaki) saya ikutan. Dia tidur dengan posisi diagonal? Saya tindih aja kakinya. Ha!

Serius deh, hal-hal kaya gini tuh ya yg bikin pengen ketawa kalo diinget-inget. Dan entah kenapa kebiasaan ini tiba-tiba aja muncul di usia kehamilan saya yg nyentuh enam bulan. Bawaan bayi kali ya. Ah, tapi kan yg hamil saya, kenapa yg aneh-aneh justru dia :))))

Your Job is Not Your Career; let alone your gender and yourself.

Siang ini emosi ibu hamil gue keusik gara-gara lihat post seorang teman di Path. Post itu menyuarakan penolakan atas ajang Miss World yg sekarang sedang berlangsung di Bali. Sebelum lanjut ke persoalan kenapa gue merasa keganggu banget oleh post tersebut, gue mau ngelurusin beberapa hal. Satu, gue tidak mendukung ajang-ajang kecantikan manapun, termasuk Miss World. Dua, gue bukan kesel sama teman gue, tapi lebih ke isi post dan the fact that it’s been spread out so carelessly.

Dalam post tersebut dibilang kalau Miss World itu harusnya diuji urusan masak, nyuci, nyapu, ngepel, nyikat WC, bersihin kotoran bayi, mendiamkan bayi yg nangis, menapih beras, dan melayani suami karena itu baru namanya perempuan sejati. Lalu ada tambahan, kalau cuma foto, bergaya, centil, memamerkan badan, senyum, dan melambaikan tangan, topeng monyet juga bisa (beserta beberapa foto topeng monyet).

Di sini gue ga akan ngebahas part ke dua yg menyinggung kontes Miss World saat ini, bukan itu fokusnya. Gue mau menyinggung bagian pertama yg ceritanya menggambarkan ‘ciri’ seorang perempuan sejati.

Gue emosi baca post tersebut masih ada aja yg sembarangan mengasosiasikan pekerjaan rumah tangga sebagai ciri dari perempuan sejati. WTF?

Bukan urusan gue ga mau melakukan semua pekerjaan rumah tangga itu –which by the way I gladly accepted it as part of my job now– atau gue protes kalau perempuan itu harus punya karir yg sama dengan laki-laki bla bla bla. Bukan. Cuma gue ga bisa terima sama orang yg masih berpikiran kalau pekerjaan yg lo lakuin sehari-hari adalah identitas diri lo, lebih spesifiknya lagi, gender lo. Perempuan itu manusia, sama seperti laki-laki. Perempuan punya hak memilih apa yg ingin mereka lakukan dalam hidup. Perempuan, lagi-lagi sama seperti laki-laki, juga punya kewajiban untuk mengembangkan diri menjadi manusia seutuhnya.

Misalnya gue deh. Laki gue kerja kantoran, pergi pagi pulangnya malem. Dia juga pencari nafkah utama dalam keluarga gue. Saat ini gue memilih hanya kerja sampingan, yg setiap minggunya mengambil 6 – 12 jam waktu hidup gue. Logikanya jelas, pekerjaan rumah tangga ya adalah bagian dari tugas gue. Ngurusin makan suami –yg tidak selalu gue yg masak sendiri- juga urusan gue. Gimana ga? Laki gue cape bok dari pagi sampe malem kerja untuk kita berdua, masa iya pulang gue tega ngebiarin gitu aja. Itu orang yg gue sayang banget dan menurut negara sah sebagai tanggung jawab gue loh.

Kalau misalnya nanti kebutuhan gue atau keluarga gue berubah dan gue punya kerjaan kantoran yg menyita waktu gue 40-50 jam per-minggunya, ya solusi untuk keluarga gue jg mungkin akan berubah. Entah itu gue cari pembantu atau bahu-membahu sama suami untuk urusan pekerjaan rumah tangga, atau apapun itu yg sesuai dengan kebutuhan pada saat tersebut.

Intinya, kalaupun nanti gue tidak lagi mengerjakan pekerjaan rumah, hal itu ga terus membuat gue jadi perempuan yg tidak sejati. Karena hal-hal tersebut adalah hanya bagian dari apa yg gue kerjain dan bukan hal yg membentuk diri gue, apalagi mendefinisikan diri gue sebagai seorang perempuan. Manusia (mau laki atau perempuan) itu intinya mengembangkan diri, supaya berguna untuk diri sendiri dan orang lain. Peran yg kita ambil untuk menjadikan diri kita berguna ya itu pilihan masing-masing orang.  Jadi kesejatian gue sebagai seorang perempuan dan manusia bukan lagi soal ngelahirin anak, nyuci, ngepel, jadi pengusaha atau kerja kantoran karena itu semua cuma sesuatu yg kita kerjakan untuk memenuhi kebutuhan.

Balik lagi ke post tersebut, I know that it was meant to be a joke. Tapi miris rasanya denger orang sembarangan ngomong dan gampang aja nyebarin pikiran-pikiran yg selama ini berusaha dilawan oleh sebagian besar kaum perempuan.

After all, I bet no men would be happy if the world think the best way to define a real man is how good they are at being an ATM machine for their wife. Because trust me, if that’s the case, more than 70% of the men will not pass the test.

(Your Job is Not Your Career is the slogan of @ReneeCC, career motivator)