Parasite

If I can make a dollar every time you came across my mind, I would’ve made a fortune out of it.

You are..

A damn parasite that refuses to go no matter what I do to remove you from the tree of life.

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The (un)conditional love

Just today I heard a friend said ‘but I love him..’ Without any intention to discredited my friend, suddenly I remembered all the similar scenes that have happened between us. I gave her reasoning, she answered with ‘but I love him..’ Somehow, this ‘but I love you’ scenes makes me wonder. I start counting how many of that ‘I love you’s that can still be claimed true until this second. I don’t know her answer, but with the exception of this recent case, I think the answer is none.

So what does that make of her? Or more, of love?

I used to believe that real love is something irrevocable. Something immortal. Something that can last forever. So if you wake up one day and realize that you don’t love someone, it means that it was never really love. You just thought it is. But is it really true?

We all heard a saying that the closest one a human can love uncondititionally is the love to her (and maybe his) children. But I never imagined that the ‘condition’ is as plain as good or bad: I love you as long as you’re good to and for me. I mean, I always thought that love is blind and love is the purest form of emotion because it exists without any calculation of logical thinking. The phrase like ‘I know he’s a jerk, but I love him still’ is very love-ish. If you end up leaving that person, it is not because you stop loving them, you just start to think rationally. That’s why the promise in marriage is ‘to love you forever, in sickness and in health, bla bla bla’ NOT ‘I will stay with you forever, bla bla bla’. Because unconciously people believe that love can be forever, but not with the relationship.

But then again is that really?

My point is, no one is that perfect. One way or another, you’ll get hurt, you’ll be dissapointed. So if love is not that strong and not that irrevocable, then why should we make big decisions in our life based on or because of love?

 

#111

You know what’s so annoying for a bride-to-be? For me is the amount of ‘are you sure? are you really really sure?’ questions asked to me. Doh. My first reaction is: “what’s wrong with you guys? If you don’t believe in marriage, that’s your problem. So keep it to yourself.” No, I don’t really say anything like that -a least not loudly. But then I remember that they don’t mean any harm. They just want me to be really sure because I’m taking the biggest step of my life, yet.

So really, am I sure? Am I really really and fully sure I want this? The honest answer is, no. I’m not really really and fully sure. I mean I believe I’ve made the right decision and I believe I won’t regret it. I also know I’ve chosen the right person, not really sure whether he’s ‘The One’, but he surely is the one who just clicks. But am I sure I’m ready to commit to something FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? Err….. God! That’s an effing hard question. I wonder whether any of those who’s now married were really that sure when they said their vow.

And above all, really, do I have to? Do I have to be really really and fully sure? Really? I don’t think so.

I don’t believe in forever nor that I ever expect one. I believe in doubt and I believe that’s what really makes a relationship strong. You’re sure today, you’re in doubt tomorrow, that’s only natural. But then you choose. You choose whether you want to stick into what you’ve chosen or to run away and back to square. Again and again until ‘you both shall live’. I believe that the commitment a person make when they decided to get married is not a one for a lifetime commitment. Instead, it’s a commitment and a decision they would have to make over and over again. Just like an art piece I once saw, a miniature of a wedding car going through a never-ending road with open doors along the way. It’s not just one door that you need to open once. It’s a million or even gazillion doors you have to go through and try to open again and again.

So yes, you can throw your question again and again to me. Maybe I’ll say yes, maybe I’ll say not really. It doesn’t matter. I believe I’ve made the best decision I ever did in my life. I just have to remind myself, again and again, to sick into it. Until something really proves me that I’m wrong or as long as we both shall live, either one. I really do hope it’s the latter.

#152

A couple of days ago, when we were talking about wedding budget, we talked about the band. I once said I want an accoustic band, that’s why everytime we went to catering vendor and asked for wedding package prices, we alwas asked whether we can have an accoustic. But after somewhile, I realized that having an accoustic band rather than ‘organ tunggal’ (solo singer + keyboard) is quite expensive. The gap is around 4.5 million so I thought that maybe I shoud just settle with the usual organ tunggal provided by the standard wedding package. It’s not that bad.. but then he said something like this:

“the first time I asked you to marry me and asked you what kind of wedding that you want -the one I’ll try to provide- you said that it had to have top class music. you said it didn’t matter if we’re only having the small wedding, as long as the food is good, and the music is wonderful. if you said you wanted to have accoustic, let’s make it happen.”

Doh. He sounded so romantic. But no, he’s not. At least not the flowers-and-chocolate-kind-of-guy. He’s straight-forward. But he’s also sweet, in his own way. I don’t know what’s going to happen years from now, but at least right now I feel so grateful to have someone like him love me the way he does 🙂

by the way, after spending the last 3 hours googling and youtube-ing wedding bands, I fell in love with this one:

I hope I can have them on my wedding, but even if don’t I would still be happy and grateful. Because even if I don’t have the perfect music for my wedding, I’ll still have the perfect husband 🙂

#175

Two days ago, when we’re googling a picture of (hopefully) the place for our wedding ceremony, I remembered I still have a copied cd of my cousin’s wedding that held on the same place. So I fetched it and opened it in my laptop. Unfortunately, this was one of the events that held BH (before him). That means there’s a good chance to spot me photographed with my ex. So I was careful enough not to pick the one that have me and the ex in it. But then he chose one, randomly, and *bham!* it happenned to have me and the ex right on the center of it.

So there was it. Me and him, staring a laptop showing a photo of me and The Ex. Akward. I thought he’s going to explode, or showing a sudden bad mood or whatnot. But no. He just chose another one and said nothing about it. You know, if this happen with me and the ex, there would definitely be a huge fight tailing. But it didn’t.

I know seeing me with the ex was not an easy thing for him. I fully understand why. But he’s trying to trust me -and himself- that I love him and I’ve choseen him to be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not any other person. He knew he didn’t need to be insecured about it. For that, I’m once again filled with gratitude toward him :’)

Frankly I didn’t chose the wrong person. I still don’t.

#179

Yesterday, when the soon-to-be-husband and I talked about what I picture myself professionally in the future, he said he would prefer I don’t stay at home even after our future-child born. The reason is this: he’s more than willing to provide for me whatever it cost, financially, but he would like to think that taking care of the baby and household errands are our responsible. Not only mine. Being a housewife sort of not making it equal.

I think that’s interesting. And sweet. He wants to take care of me -in sensible way, not in a way that makes me want to scream ‘go away, I’m not a child anymore’.

I am blessed, really. I must have owed God a lot for this.

186 days to go.

So yes, this is the beginning of my 186 days of being single and/or soon-to-be-bride. I know I’m not good at planning -or doing something that has been planned to be exact- but I am planning to count each day and spill the beans of some of that mentioned days.

My soon-to-be-husband said that getting married is usually hard. You’ll find bumps and temptations along the way to the D-day.  You know, ex(s) suddenly find their way back to your life, something doesn’t go as planned and whatnot. But then again, no matter how hard it is the temptation or obstacle we both would faced, that won’t stand a chance to the temptations and obstacles we will find AFTER the wedding day. So that, that makes me come up with this idea to record my journey. So that someday, in the hardest day of my marriage life, I can go back to this state. The state where I love him so much and so happy and so willing to be on the journey of life with him. Or how grateful I am to have this person love me the way he does.

To be honest, marriage scares me. Even the world alone used to make me run for my life. I love my single life. I always thought I never wanted it to end. But then I was wrong. I do want more. And right know, ‘more’ means this.

So there.. I’m counting down. 186 days to go. *taking a deep breath* I’m ready.