#2018goal

If to be alive is to choose, then I choose to love above anything else.

If I have only months left for me, I choose to love.

Yes, I want to be loved but more than that, I want to love. I want to be able to spread love. I want to love.

So that’s what I’m going to aim for.

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I won’t do that.

I would not let myself be cheated on and be okay about it.

I would not let myself feel unworthy of one’s love, especially you.

I would not say something is right when I know it’s not.

I would do a lot of things for love.

I would do anything for love.

But I won’t do that. No no. I won’t do that.

When you wish upon a star…

When you are feeling down and you have nobody to talk to, talk to me.

When you think the world is too cold and you need somebody to hug, call on me.

When you are numb and you think you can never feel anything at all ever again, remember me.

I am here. I will always be there for you. I will never let you feel you are alone in this. I am with you. Always. So please, just lend your hand to me, I will take care of you if you let me to.

i am here.

I haven’t been a good person lately and I regret it…

Hari ini saya kecolongan. Salah seorang orang tua murid saya menghubungi saya dan bilang kalau anaknya pulang ke rumah menangis sambil meraung. Dia cerita dia pengen berhenti sekolah. Saya wali kelasnya. Saya orang yg terakhir dipamiti saat dia mau pulang dari sekolah. Ga ada 1% pun pikiran saya kalo akan ada kejadian dia menangis, meraung, bilang ingin berhenti sekolah.

Saya benar-benar merasa kecolongan. Saya merasa bodoh dan tidak sensitif. Saya merasa menyepelekan keadaan yg ternyata tidak sepele.

“I should’ve known better”

“I should’ve asked her more”

“I should’ve talked to her more”

“I should’ve help her more”

“I should’ve done something before any of this happened”

I feel so shitty right now and it’s all my fault.

I miss..

I miss you.

I miss the idea of you.

I miss the idea of me loving you.

I miss the idea of love.

I miss the idea of feeling something.

I miss the idea of having a good long talk where two people can just talk about everything from night until morning.

I miss the idea of hug.

I miss the idea of being a couple of teenager having a peck in the mouth just because.

I miss the idea of having fun together.

I miss.. a lot of things.

Fireworks

If I have to picture a firework in my life, I would definitely say: you.

I was a playboy before I met you, have alwasy been. I fell in love too easily and too recklessly and I’ve always thought it was because I’m a passionate person. I was wrong. In facf, I never knew what passion is really like before you, I just thought I do. I’ve loved before. Hard. With you, it went straight to crash and burn.

I was a teenage boy, of course sex is the main thing in my head back then. I’ve also experimented a lot and I won’t try to deny it. But with you… With you.. it’s just different. It’s TNT and C4 combined. I was curious about sex before you, with you it’s plainly instinct. It was like I’m a male lion in mating season. I didn’t think at all, what I know was that I had to have you. So when you finally let me in, it was fuckin fireworks everywhere.

And it’s not just sex. It’s not just about my penis finding ways to your vagina. It’s about the urges. The urgency that I had to have you right there and there. I had to make you mine because I can’t bare myself not to. You’re like the the most powerful addiction I’ll ever had.

So I was stupid to let you go. I was young and stupid. I made series of bad decisions and I hurt you. I wish I didn’t. I wish I’d stayed even when you said you wanted me to leave. Even when you hated me with all your life, I should’ve stayed. With you. Beside you. I should’ve just stubbornly being there for you no matter how bitter it would be for me. Because you worth it. 

You’re my fireworks, the main chapter of my life I should’ve never ended. I’m sorry that I did.